Q. I must admit, the transition from being a couple to being single has been difficult to juggle. I’m not always angry and sometimes I think it might be cool to hang out with my ex. So, when he had the kids this weekend I showed up on Sunday and asked if they all wanted to go to breakfast. The kids were very excited and wanted to go, but their dad was really upset with me. I thought it would be good for the kids. What’s good ex-etiquette?

A. Although it sounds like you had good intentions, there are some definite red flags that need to be addressed.

First, don’t just show up at your ex’s house without a warning. Granted, he had the kids with him and the likelihood of someone staying the night may not have been in the cards — but it could be down the road and you just showing up could get very dicey.

You and dad must set some boundaries. Decide what’s appropriate and stick to what you agreed to. But there should always be a text or phone call asking for permission to come over. Waiting for an invitation is even better.

Second, something like breakfast together sounds great, but in reality, staying enmeshed in each other’s lives can make the transition from couple to single harder on both of you and on the children. Parents often suggest things like pizza night once a week or Sunday breakfast in the guise of weaning the kids from a two-parent home to a one-parent home, thinking that “acting like a family” will take the sting out of the breakup.

It doesn’t.

Most couples fight incessantly prior to breaking up, so that’s all the kids have known for a while. Now mom’s showing up suggesting breakfast? Of course, the kids are all over it but think how confusing it is.

It also puts a huge amount of pressure on dad. He’s had no warning, so he’s not sure how to react. His surprise may translate into anger and scare the kids. Plus, it sets the kids up for disappointment when dad declines the invitation and if he does say yes, it could give the kids a false hope of reconciliation.

Think before you act, Mom. Just showing up was very poor ex-etiquette.

Now, I must point out something very important. If you find yourself thinking it might be cool to hang out with your ex, take a look at that. Few things affect a child as much as their parents breaking up. If there is an inkling of a chance for reconciliation, find a counselor and work together to fix your relationship. If you do take that path, I would not break it to the children until you are certain that is your true course of action. Take direction from a counselor who knows your family. That’s good ex-etiquette.

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